"Real" Sisters

I knew it was only a matter of time before we got the question we'd been dreading. On the way out of the audiologist's office the other day, the office manager stopped me. "Your daughters are so cute," she said. "Are they adopted?"  (There'd have been no question if my husband had been with me. Neither of us are Asian—or as cute as our daughters.)

Then came the zinger: "Oh, are they real sisters?"

I answered truthfully: They are. It was love at first sight for these two, and my oldest is actually a much better big sister than I ever remember being (I recall feeding my sister and brother soap and dog biscuits, respectively). They spend hours playing with each other, hugging and just adoring each other. They have their squabbles over toys, but those are short-lived—it's mostly laughter and love between these two. They were simply meant to be sisters. "Yes, they're real sisters, and I'm their real mother."

But that answer wasn't enough....so she interrupted me and restated the question: "No, but are they real sisters? Like are they natal sisters?"

And so I felt angry and uncomfortable. Angry that someone would feel that this very personal question was their business after knowing my family for about 10 minutes. Angry that someone would feel it was okay to question the validity of my daughters' relationship, right in front of my daughters. (My oldest definitely understands the concept of "real" and not...and would equate "not real" with "imaginary.") And uncomfortable that the woman was blocking my exit like some sort of bridge troll, so I'd have to come up with an answer before I'd be allowed to pass.

"As far as we know, they are not biological sisters, if that is what you're asking," I said, trying hard to express my anger in my eyes, without my daughters noticing. Our girls come from two different parts of China, and they do look different—our oldest, tall and lanky with classic Han Chinese features; our youngest, delicate and petite, with more rounded eyes like the people from Southern China.

Our daughters already have so many questions to ponder in their lives: who their birthparents are, why they aren't still living with them in China, whether they do have birthsiblings in China (pretty likely), and how they ended up halfway around the world in our family. Do they really need to have the bonds they've made questioned? Do they really need to have our family bonds called into question regularly—as if their sisterly love is somehow lacking, because their genes aren't a match?

I'd like to think not, but apparently, that's not how the world views it.

Comments

[Laurie Berry-Dorroh]

Lisa,
You don't know me but I'm on the A-M-A list and just saw your post about the BAHA and for some reason clicked on your blog. How weird - my family is similar: two daughters, one classic Han from Hunan, the other from Guangdong (a couple of Vietnamese friends think she looks Laotian). I got that question all the time when they were younger, though it's eased up now that they're 4 and 6. At first I would always retort, "They are NOW" and leave it at that. These days I just answer "yes." If they're not listening, and I think it might educate the asker, and I happen to be feeling benevolent, I might add ". . . but they were born in different parts of China." Weird that people are hung up on that -- it's really the only rude question we've had to deal with.

I'll be interested to hear about your BAHA experience. We didn't even know that was an option when we first had our youngest tested at 18 months (UA with no microtia, normal hearing in her good ear and mild to moderate loss in her atretic ear). Everyone is still saying "but if she's unilateral she should not have a hearing aid. . . " But we're in SC and much as I love it here, I have this nagging feeling we're not poised on the cutting edge of audiological science :)

[David]

People that dense deserve a "Have you always been fat?" - or the equivalent (insensitive, ignorant, what have you).

David

[Deanna]

The girls are real sisters just like they're your real daughters. Biology has very little to do with family.

[Heather]

This reminds me of an acquaintance of ours who was convinced our son and daughter shared the same birth mother (they don't). Because, as he put it, we're "always calling them brother and sister."

Some people really need to think a little harder before speaking, especially in front of the kids in question.

[The Gang's Momma]

Ugh. I posted another comment but lost it on the word verification some how.

Suffice it to say, I'm hearing a lot of this topic come up lately. I'm thankful to learn from those who are going before me on this issue, but I'm so sad that your girls are hearing the lack of discernment and wise judgment from adults around them who should: #1 know better and, #2 be smart enough to get your warning hints the first time around!