Avoiding Foot in Mouth Disease

Even the most simple-minded stranger can figure out that my daughter doesn't share my genes (despite her freakishly similar personality). And that leads to a lot of remarkably awkward comments and conversations. So, in honor of National Adoption Month, I'm sharing a few tips and tricks to help you avoid getting dirty looks from adoptive parents (including me).

1. Don't ask how much our children cost. I paid just as much for my daughter as any bio mom paid for hers: not a single red cent. But I did pay for services: a social worker to interview me and tour my house to ensure I would be a suitable parent, lots and lots of paperwork and fingerprinting done by the government, and for travel and a travel guide to take us through China. (In fact, the lion's share of money we paid for our adoption was paid right here in the good old US of A.) We paid for services to facilitate our daughter's entrance into our family, just like bio parents (or their health insurance companies) paid for an ob/gyn or midwife, a hospital visit, etc., to bring their child into their families. If you're really interested in finding out how much adoption costs, check out Adoptive Families website, which can give you a really up-to-date breakdown of the costs. And if you're considering adoption yourself and want to know the score, say that upfront before you start grilling me on the numbers.

2. Don't say something that'll make our children feel bad. I've had numerous people talk about how they "throw baby girls away in China" right in front of my daughter. Even if that was completely true (which it isn't), why on earth would you want to make my child feel like she was "disposable"? It was bad enough when people did that in front of my daughter when she was 1. Now that she's 3 and has a massive vocabulary, she will really understand what they're talking about.

3. Don't introduce us as "adoptive" or "adopted." Once the adoption is final (which happened long before we touched foot back in the U.S.), we're just parent and child. Unless you want to start modifying everyone's relationships by how they entered the family, i.e. "our c-section-delivered child, Bobby."

4. Don't treat us like saints. Our daughter may be lucky to have joined our family, but we're even luckier to have her in our lives. And we didn't adopt because we were on a mission to "save" a child. We just wanted to be parents, end of story.

5. Yes, we're a real family. I'm her real mother, and my husband is her real father. And someday, when we bring home her brother or sister, they will be real siblings. The bonds we've built are every bit as real and as strong as those in a bio family...and there's no need to wonder about me having a child "of my own." I already have my daughter.